When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
