He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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