So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
