My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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