I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
