So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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