where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
