My hand turned me down
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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