So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
