matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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