My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
This toilet bowl is my home.
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