Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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