Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
