Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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