so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
