I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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