if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This girl is more easily done than said...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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