mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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