You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
