The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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