I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
