Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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