Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
