i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
