he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
so let's talk penis.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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