oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
