im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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