you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
