the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
