I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
