before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
