Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
