my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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