I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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