Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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