i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Someone signed my nipple.
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