Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
