My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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