i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
