If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
