Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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