can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
