What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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