I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
