i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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