My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Randomize
