What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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