New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
