; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
