so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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