Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
