I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
