I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
